Traitor

Earlier this week I dreamed that someone shot me in the back. Tonight I learned who the shooter was. Lesson learned: people are not to be trusted when they are needed most. Its times like these when I hate the gross sense of knowing I seem to be cursed with. More than that its times like these that make me wish I could handle solitude without deciding its ALL unbearable.

Dear Cult Boy:

Why would I want to belong to a man that readily admits that he doesn't belong to himself? Where is the logic in such insanity? I'll tell you where; nowhere. If you don't own your own life why in hell should I trust you with mine. More than that what would possess you to believe that I would ever place my fate in the hands of a man weak enough to give himself away. You must own you before I give you me. Now that I've gotten that out let us discuss how you ended up in this little predicament of belonging to a cult. Yes, it is a cult. You follow a man that you call Father (Kids Next Door Much? ) and would happily give a woman, who was foolish enough to give herself to you, to him. You engage in some quasi-religious, psuedo-spiritual, self-preservationist amalgamation of Rastafarianism, Nation of Islam, Moorish Science Temple bull shit, that allows you to claim consciousness while walking around blind to the plight of those you claim as brothers and sisters. Your a walking contradiction an oxymoron of sorts if you will. You feel yourself and your ilk to be the epitome of Blackness and Black consciousness which is a sign to any self respecting intellectual that there's a problem. Anyone who claims to be the epitomization of an entire group or an idea is clearly diluted and residing outside of the realm of reality. That said no my friend we cannot meet up again, I'm not interested and leaving town with you and your cult, and I'm really not interested in you blowing up my berry with sms's and phone calls. You and your fooliwang psuedo-belief system can go to hell. Thank you and good day

Ma'at aka Erica

Smile

Smile When your struggilin
Smile When your dead broke
Smile And the rents due
Smile You ain't got friends now
Smile And no one knows you
Never let them see you down smile while you bleeding -"Smile" K'naan

I love both of K'naan's albums but I have to say that the first one is the one I most feel. I've developed a love of music that expresses my emotions and ideally helps me deal with them.
I think I'm going to try and take the "Smile" approach to things for a while and see where that puts me. I'm tripping because. I've fit every one of those verses at some point over the past few years, and I can honestly say that it never occurred to me to grin and bear it. I've cried, cursed, drank,smoked, and prayed but never have I tried to smile through it. Smiling while in pain seems irrational, but it could be a case of thinking yourself into a better state of being. I could try it and maybe I will.

Reality, Illusions, Understanding, and Peace

I've been missing
I've been gone
I've been away for too long
Things are hard
I can't think
I am tired but can't sleep
I don't know what to do
I feel like I hate you
Don't like me
Don't like pain
Can't come in from the rain

I don't write anymore
I don't smile anymore
I'm not me anymore

Too much pain
Too much work
Too many thoughts
Damn I hurt

Misery loves company
And still I'm alone
So is this misery
or am I more than gone

4 months I thought
Know I'm blessed
Things get better
Still depressed

I'm not sure
of the source
so I have
no recourse

So I sit
and I pray
and I swear
that today
there will be
no more tears

This is my release
Now God grant me Peace.

Its so Hard to Say Goodbye

Man I've been feeling some kind of confused this past week. I got the excitement of moving back to Nashville and going back to work. I've also got the misery of realizing that the 10th anniversary of my sister's murder is near. I've always been told that the best I could hope for was to accept it and move forward. It seems much harder this year. I'm not sure if it is because I'm about the age she was or if its just the time I've had to think.
My mother told me that the state moved her murderer to a lower security facility. The said it was because he'd been stabbed at the prison he's been at for the past 9 years. My god-brother works at the prison that he's in now, and I fear for them both. I know my brother is just like the rest of us angry. He doesn't quite realize it. I didn't realize it until out of the blue I found myself wanting to ask that bastard why he stole from us. I found myself wanting to ask him face to face and then I saw myself wanting to hurt him. He doesn't deserve death, but he should suffer like we have. In the entire decade since her death I've never felt this angry, and I've never been so unsure of what June will bring. I'm sure I'll cry it out and try my best to have a normal day. Its just as hard now as it was in 99; I just never counted on goodbye being so sudden or so foul.

I'm Going Home.....

Yes, it is true. I'm going back to Nashville. This time next week I will be sitting around being pissy about having to unpack, and that's all good with me. I'm more excited because I get to move back into my old apartment complex. Man, I'm geeked, like extra geeked even. This means I can get down to business, just as I planned.

Man this feels amazing.